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«Approved Exercises No one is granted permission to use any exercise from the School that would give away the surprises of the School, such as: the ...»

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Institute for The Work with Byron Katie

Approved Exercises

No one is granted permission to use any exercise from the School that would give away

the surprises of the School, such as: the Safety Deposit Exercise (a.k.a. the Surrender

Exercise or Dreaded List), Love Story, Men and Women, Behind the Back, Newspaper

Story, Find an Object, Prejudice, the outing, etc.

If you use any of the following, please make sure that the copyright is visible and that

the exercise remains unaltered.

General Accepting the Gift of Criticism (Do not do “behind the back” portion of the exercise.) Beyond Justification Conflict Resolution Discovering Underlying Motives I Complain About… Because… Judge-Your-Neighbor Worksheet (download from thework.com) Making Amends—The Living Turnaround Morning Walk One-Belief-at-a-Time Worksheet (download from thework.com) Seeking Love, Approval, and Appreciation From I Need Your Love—Is That True?

A Cup of Tea – pg. 58 An Honest No – pg. 81 Beginning to Notice Your Thoughts – pg. 30 Criticism – pg. 216 Getting Dressed to Kill – pg. 36 Interruption – pg. 47 Letter of Apology – pg. 212 Life Beyond Manners – pg. 43 Lunch Date – pg. 49 Most Ashamed – pg. 207 My Happiness Depends on Someone Else – pg. 65 Noticing What Happens When You Believe Your Thoughts – pg. 33 The Ultimate Approval Giver – pg. 55 Tuning Out – pg. 49 What I Don’t Want You to Know About Me – pg. 209 ©2014 Byron Katie International, Inc. All rights reserved. thework.com Rev. 20 Aug. 2014 Institute for The Work with Byron Katie Accepting the Gift of Criticism When we understand what criticism is really about, we find that it is one of the most powerful tools for self-realization and growth—if you really want to know the truth.

Here are some steps on how to use and understand criticism for your highest benefit:

When someone says you are wrong, unkind, unclear, and uncaring, etc., feel • what that feels like. Settle into it before you strike out; experience those emotions, even invite it them. Ask yourself: “Is it true? Could they be right?” Wait for the answer.

After the criticism, ask yourself, “Was that stressful or painful?” • If the answer is yes, then this is a sign that you believe that the criticism is true, and that you haven’t dealt with it or gone deeply enough yet. If you want to end the war in your own life and mind, you may decide to gently go deeper as you inquire and discover the truth of the criticism within yourself.

This is where all war ends.

No matter what anyone says to you, or about you, if you experience stress, then you are the one who is suffering from your hidden secret—the secret you hide even from yourself in the moment—and the mind will do its job at this point, which is to attack. Your own mind’s attack is the cause of stress. Stress is the signal that it is time to ask you, time to inquire; it is an opportunity for you to know the truth. Stress is always an opportunity to experience forgiveness with the people you judge and those who judge you, and to end the stress within you. Forgiveness cannot be found anywhere else. Forgiveness is when you realize that what you think happened didn’t.

Being honest with yourself and being vulnerable can be the end of the illusion of being manipulated in any way. When you are genuinely humble, there is no place for criticism to stick. This is where clarity takes on life as effective, kind action.

Inquiry is a direct internal path to freedom from lies and deep secrets, and therefore, freedom from the fear of your lies being discovered.

–  –  –

Beyond Justification Be aware of the words “because” or “but” as you speak. (Participants, staff, please bring these to one another’s attention.) Notice how the word “but” separates, and the word “and” joins.

In conversation, each time you notice that you are justifying, defending, apologizing or using the word “because” or “but,” stop speaking immediately. Try to catch it before other participants do. Notice how it feels to interrupt yourself, and describe the experience out loud. And then, resume the conversation.

Justifications can be stressful. Are yours an attempt to manipulate?

Exercise:

Notice how often today you defend (explain, qualify or justify) your words and / or • actions. List the motives you discover.

Note the time of day in your notebook each time you notice.

• List your physical reactions that occur, such as falsely laughing, flirting, eye • movement, eye contact, any hand movements, etc.

List your emotional responses. What emotions do you feel as you attempt to • manipulate the way we think, feel or see you as a result of your defenses (justifications, qualifications and explanations)? Be thorough.

–  –  –

1.

2.

3.

4.

©2014 Byron Katie International, Inc. All rights reserved. thework.com Rev. 20 Aug. 2014 Institute for The Work with Byron Katie Conflict Resolution Part 1 Each partner / roommate writes a Worksheet on a specific situation (with the other.) Then pair up with your partner. Facilitator, record your facilitation.

Partner 1: Reader Read your entire Worksheet out loud to your partner. Speak directly to your partner, for





example, the statement:

“Peter should not ignore me when I feel hurt” becomes “Peter, you should not ignore me when I feel hurt.” Keep eye contact with your partner and after each statement, pause and wait for their response of “Thank you” before reading your next statement.

Partner 2: Listener Your job is to listen, keep eye contact, and ask yourself (as you listen to what is being read about you) “Is it true? Is my partner right?” If you find that in fact they are right, reply with, “Thank you,” and allow these two words (without justification or defense) to be enough. If you can’t find where the statement is right, please reply with “Thank you.” Your partner is only giving you the gift of their thoughts.

Notice any tendency to justify or to defend. Should you notice this tendency, stop and turn inward for freedom—not outside. Let the truth within you have its chance to enlighten you.

Part 2 Facilitation Facilitate each other using the four questions, the turnarounds, and examples for each turnaround.

Facilitator

Please include the following suggested sub-question for Question No. 3:

“How do you treat me when you believe that thought?” Assist the client (your partner) to speak directly to you. For example, “When I believed that thought, the way I treated you was…” While facilitating, notice and gently immerse yourself in any negative reactions you may have as you listen in silence to what your partner has written about you and continue to facilitate.

Switch roles.

–  –  –

Discovering Underlying Motives and Beliefs in Facilitation This exercise is about identifying and questioning underlying motives, not about doing it “wrong”.

Setup Form a triad (three-person group, A, B and C). Each person should have a recording • of his or her facilitation.

Process Step 1: Isolate underlying beliefs.

Begin with person A and his / her recording.

• All three listen to the recording.

• Anyone, including the person who is playing his / her recording, may stop it at any • time. Stop it when a selection appears motive driven, people pleasing or "off" for any reason. Rewind the recording and play that section again so that all three can hear it.

After listening to the section again, person B or person C (or both) will ask person A •

the following questions:

1. What are you aware of here?

2. What did you want from the client at that moment?

3. What were you thinking or feeling at that moment?

4. What was the underlying belief?

5. What were your motives?

As person A answers, listen for underlying beliefs in the answers. B or C will write • down these beliefs.

Step 2: Do The Work on one of the underlying beliefs.

Person A is the client.

• Person B or person C is the facilitator.

• Use the yellow card.

• Step 3: Continue to listen to person A’s recording, repeating steps 1 and 2, for a total of _______ minutes.

Step 4: Repeat this process with person B’s recording, and then with person C’s recording.

If someone in your triad does not have a recording, that person can facilitate person A, record it, and use that recording when it is his or her turn.

©2014 Byron Katie International, Inc. All rights reserved. thework.com Rev. 20 Aug. 2014 Institute for The Work with Byron Katie

–  –  –

Exercise List the people in your life whom you complain about and why.

For example:

“I complain about Alison, because she betrayed me.” “I complain about my mother, because she talks too much.” After completing your list, question each complaint with the four questions, find turnarounds and for each turnaround find examples.

–  –  –

Making Amends—The Living Turnaround Making Amends Making amends is about clearing up your life, living the turnarounds. Find the people, dead or alive, that you need to make amends to and start an “Amends List.” Your list could also include an animal, God, the earth, and so on.

Question 3 Go through all your Judge-Your-Neighbor Worksheets and self-facilitated Work. Your answers to Question 3 and its sub-questions—How do I react when I believe that thought? How do I treat others when I believe that thought? How do I treat myself when I believe that thought?—are a portion of your amends list.

For example, let’s say the original statement on your Judge-Your-Neighbor Worksheet is I’m angry at John because he yells at me. In your answer to Question No. 3 you wrote: I react by ignoring him. I react by telling myself I’m a terrible wife. Your amends

list could include:

–  –  –

List other times you recall hurting someone. You could also ask yourself: “Who else have I ignored in order to punish them? Who else do I criticize in my mind or in my life?” and add these to your amends list.

Turnarounds Many turnarounds from your Worksheets can also be added to your amends list. For example, the turnarounds to your original statement—John yells at me—are: I yell at John and I yell at me (especially in my mind). You may also want to ask yourself: “Who else have I yelled at in my past?” What was my motive? What did I accuse them of that I was guilty of? List the specifics.

Amends in Action When making amends to yourself, be real. Take each one in, feel and experience it deeply. Ask yourself: “Was I doing the best I could with all of the information I had in my head at that particular time?” We always begin now.

When you get home, make amends to these people in person when possible; when not, then by phone, letter or e-mail. As you talk with them, notice if you move mentally into their business (what they did or said). Notice how it feels inside you to be in someone else’s business judging them again. If you see yourself going into their business, STOP.

Then move back into your business, what you did, and start again.

What you say may be as simple as, “I said / did ________ because I was afraid of ________, or I wanted _________ (your motive). I am sincerely sorry for what I did. How can I make this right?” Where possible, give back at least in full measure what you believe you took at their expense in each case. (continued) ©2014 Byron Katie International, Inc. All rights reserved. thework.com Rev. 20 Aug. 2014 Institute for The Work with Byron Katie Making Amends—The Living Turnaround (continued) When you write a letter of amends, read it also to yourself turned around before you mail it; that is, put your name in place of the other, and gently turn each statement around to yourself, and make amends to yourself. Feel it deeply. If you think it will serve and not cause more harm, mail the letter to the person you wrote it to. It’s up to them whether they decide to read it; don’t expect them to read it, to be grateful, or to be forgiving. This is your life you are clearing up, not theirs.

If the person or animal is dead, you can still make amends by writing them a letter of apology and turning it around. Now watch how simple it becomes to live the amends in the world with others. For example, I once hit a cat with my car and didn’t go back to see if the cat was dead or alive. Now, whenever I see an animal that is hurt or in trouble, I notice and I take the opportunity to be there to help when possible. In another situation, if I believe I treated my grandmother badly when she was alive by lying to her, then I find it simple to reach out to others with the truth, not my lies.

Here’s another example: Let’s say you lied to your ex-husband or ex-wife about a situation that occurred between the two of you while you were together. You might call him / her up and say: “When I said that I didn’t provoke you to do what you did, I was lying. I did intentionally provoke you and then I blamed you for being angry. For this I am sincerely sorry. I am also sorry for lying. What can I do to make this right? I’m listening now. Please tell me everything you feel I did to harm you.” Really listen. Then you may want to admit to others when you lie to them and admit it on the spot for your own sake. Honest, non-manipulative, heartfelt reporting, coupled with living amends, can bring about real intimacy to otherwise hopeless relationships with others and definitely with yourself.

Before making amends to others, ask yourself whether doing so would cause more harm.

If you think so, STOP and make amends to yourself. For example, suppose you had an affair with your boss, and you want to make amends to his wife. However, she does not know about the affair. Making amends to her could be harmful to her and to your boss as well as to their children. In this case, make amends to yourself and be helpful to other people who are in pain now in this same situation.

It’s your life. If you don’t turn it around, who will?



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